Casting Crowns - Who am I Lyrics

2009 in Review

So, these last few weeks of the year always have me thinking about what kind of a year was this? Was there personal growth, major changes, difficulties, goals met and unmet, am I still on the right path for my life?

Starting with my wonderful family I'd have to say that many great things happened. My husband has a job teaching now, after a very long search for employment. He has also answered the call to become a deacon, which is very exciting for both of us. Our son moved out, first living in New York and now back here. He has a job and is doing well. Our daughter fulfilled her dream of studying in Australia for a semester and now is back at UF. I finished my Master's degree in Pastoral Administration, though I'm not sure when my degree will be conferred.

On the spiritual side of things, my husband and I made a Cursillo weekend, which was a great way for me to be reminded of the basics of our faith. It is also strengthened my desire for community, which it supplies.


A few difficulties arose, my dad had a quadruple by-pass in the summer but is doing very well now. He and mom will be down here in two weeks. Our dear friend had a cancer recurrence, but she completed her last treatment and her prognosis is good. Two of my co-workers lost their dad. Our youth minister is still struggling with her eyesight but she is hopeful her vision will be restored and she can return to work.


These are the obvious things that all can see. But what about the deeper, hidden changes and vents that have taken place. How have I drawn closer to God, is there less sinfulness or at least more awareness of it?


These last few weeks, when my plan was to really celebrate Advent, I failed, miserably. I could see myself becoming different, feel myself spiritually moving to another place. And so I deliberately stopped working on the spiritual side of my life. Sure, I had excuses, I lost my Magnificat and my devotional, I was too tired to go to daily Mass, but the really reason was this: I stopped because I didn't want to change, even though I was becoming, internally/spiritually, a person I liked more than the old person. So, it came down to fear and laziness.


Fear that I would be different and people wouldn't like it. Fear that the maintenance would be too hard. Fear that being who God wants be to be is not really possible for me. Which leads me to laziness since I know that if I stay in his word, attend Mass, pray before the Blessed Sacrament and go to confession I can who God wants. But is takes effort on my part and doing nothing is easier than doing something. Even if, in the end, I suffer because I do nothing, it's still easier.


One definition of insanity, according to Einstein, is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Based on that, I am insane. Now, please do not cart me off to a padded cell, though the quiet might be nice for a change. I keep stopping what is helpful, out of fear and laziness, but those are not the only reasons. The real reason is much bigger and a most insidious lie. I believe that I am not worthy to be who God is calling me to be.

The only way to change that is to ask God to take it away from me.

I would have to say that in 2009 the most important lesson I learned is that I know who I desire to be. In 2010 I must do it.

Mary Did You Know - Mark Lowery

Chris Tomlin - Emmanuel (Hallowed Manger Ground)

Pretty song!

Celtic Woman-Away In A Manger

7 Quick Takes

1. Every morning I read this: "Your light will come, Jerusalem; the Lord will dawn on you in radiant beauty" from morning prayer. It fills me with so much hope. It reminds me that Christ is coming and that because of the Incarnation we share in his divinity. It also reminds me that Jesus is going to come again.

2. Yesterday I called my parents, Dad answered and said he had been outside hanging up the Christmas lights. This was great news, since he had quadruple by-pass surgery in July. My mom worries constantly that he is not himself, but I'd say putting up the lights is pretty much back to normal.

3. We are putting up our tree Sunday. Our son and his girlfriend will come over and we'll all work on it together. I'll leave our daughter's ornaments for her to put on the tree when she gets home next week.

4. Saturday will be a fun and busy day. We will distribute Chirstmas gifts to families who also come for food distribution in the morning. We had over 1,000 gift tags on our giving trees this year and the parish was very generous, as always, in buying gifts for those in need.

5. I have now misplaced both my Advent devotional book and my December Magnificat. No idea where they are, but will look again in my office today. I am pretty annoyed with myself.

6. Yesterday I Went to the fabric store, feeling a need to create. I found some fabric I liked to make two skirts, black satin and a grey sateen. I needed a zipper, but left without one. Why, well, when I first got into the store the clerk was over by the zippers, yelling and carrying on "this is disgusting" "I can't believe someone did this" "this is worse than what my cat does". What happened? Apparently someone threw up all over and left the store without telling anyone. The poor woman cleaned it all up, but I have a weak stomach when it comes to that sort of thing, so I didn't even venture over there.

7. I love when things which have nothing to do with each other come together. Last Friday we had the stewardship council over for dinner. And, yes, a great time was had by all. One friend brought me an ornament, very pretty with 2009 written on it, and I thanked her. The next day, I picked it up to look at it again, turn it around and what do I see? Our Lady, Queen of Angels, which is very special to me since that was my table on my Cursillo weekend. Very cool!

More Quick Takes over here!

Luciano Pavarotti - Tu scendi dalle stelle

I remember singing this when we had Italian Christmas Mass at our parish in NY. We didn't sound like this though:)

The Library

I love the library. Always have, probably always will. When I was old enough to be there alone, I went all the time. It was quiet and nobody thought it was odd that I was reading. I remember too on Saturday mornings, they would show us films in the basement, you know, the reel to reel kind. Sinbad, cartoons, Wizard of Oz, Born Free, it didn't matter what they showed us, it was free and safe, so I went.
I do the same thing now as I did then, I wander around looking through the shelves for interesting books to read. I pick a section and just explore. Yesterday I picked up a book on saints and some fiction. As I was browsing I kept wondering why I don't just read the books at home I haven't read yet that I own. But I can't stop going to the library. When people tell me they don;t have a library card, I am shocked. I remember my children begging to get their own library card, it's an essential. Now, the library has a little key tag version, which is quite handy.
The library, what's not to love? It has books, music, movies, audio books, computers, wireless, and magazines. It is a world of possibilities. Still one of my favorite places after all these years.

What Child Is This Popular Classic Favorite Christian Christmas songs music Gospel hymns

Immaculate Conception

We went to Mass tonight to celebrate the feast day. After the usual reminder that we were celebrating Mary's conception, not Jesus' Father moved on to Mary herself. He spoke about her sinlessness, her being the first disciple, her yes which brought Jesus into the world, and then mentioned again about sin. He said that she didn't even desire to not to what was right. All of her being was formed without the ability to sin or do wrong.
I started to think about this and what it looks like. I work every day at not sinning and can say that I do each day, sin that it is. I'm not out there breaking commandments constantly, but I certainly think badly about others and am judgemental, sometimes I may step into gossiping, and there are all those pesky sins of omission.
Mary was truly without all of that in her life. I looked up at the crucifix and thought about Mary standing there, watching Jesus, wasn't she angry, didn't she want vengeance on these people who were so cruelly killing her Son? If through that, she could not have sin, why do I suffer with it so much? To be like Mary, the first disciple, I strive to say yes to God, to serve and to love as she did. Mary had faith and trust in God, she loved her Son, and so points us to him always. Through her intercession we can become more like Mary and closer to Jesus.

Hail Mary Gentle Woman, sung by Angelina (EWTN)

For the Feast of the Immaculate Conception

Daybook for Dec.7

Outside my window...It is quite dark and quiet

I am thinking...that I wish my cough would go away

I am thankful for...a husband who supports me in all I do

From the kitchen...not much until I stop being sick

I am wearing...still in my work clothes, teal skirt and black top

I am creating...another prayer shawl

I am going...to have another few days off this week

I am reading...good question, I'm open to suggestions

I am hoping...for cooler weather, again, still

I am hearing...silence

Around the house...need to start putting up some decorations, I've decided I do want a tree, now the question is the fake one from the attic or a real one?

One of my favorite things...a long hot soak in the tub

A few plans for the rest of the week...some more shopping, resting so I feel better, not sure what else yet

More Daybooks at Simple Woman

Josh Groban - O Holy Night

One of my favorites.

Advent Confession

I am falling down with my Advent plans. Big time. And of course I have a list of reasons (okay, maybe excuses as to why). I lost my Advent reflection book. It is somewhere, no idea where. It is not in my office, the car, or in the Adoration Chapel. I actually had my husband stop there on the way home Sunday to check, since I had it with me when I was there last. Can't find it n my house and yes, I've prayed to St. Anthony.
Haven't made it to daily Mass, since I've been sick. And for some reason, we have not prayed the Liturgy of the Hours in the evening.
Okay, so what have I done? Prayed Morning Prayer, read the Mass readings, prayed the rosary a few times, and journaled a bit. And I have stayed away from playing Bejeweled Blitz.
So, all in all, since I have been feeling pretty lousy, it's not so bad.
Progress, not perfection.

Mary's Prayer - Bebo Norman

Pretty song, nice message.

TGIF

1. Big news in our house, I am done with school. I have completed my last paper, my husband will proof it and I'll send it off. What a relief. I've enjoyed most of my courses, but four years is a long time to work at something. Soon I will have a Masters of Pastoral Administration.

2. My head is spinning with all the thoughts of what I can do with my time now. So many options to pick up some things I've let go or start something new. Organize my pictures is tops on my list. Maybe make albums for my children, since I don't have baby books for them. Clean up the craft and fabric supplies and start to quilt. Spend more time reading whatever I want. Clean out my drawers and closets. Have some more fun in my life!

3. Getting ready for a dinner party tonight. Our stewardship council is coming over, with spouses, to discuss some important things. First on the agenda, which wine we like best!

4. It is gray again today, I hope the rain waits until I am done running my errands, so I don't get wet. But we need it some of our plants are looking a bit sad and maybe rain will bring some cool weather. I'd be happy with mid 70's at this point.

5. I haven't started my decorating yet for Christmas yet. I am considering not putting up a tree. This is not any sort of statement, except that I dislike doing it. I would like to get just a live table top and decorate with my favorite ornaments. Favorite ornaments are heart shaped ones and Nativity themed. I love when they are hearts with the Nativity on them. I also like ornaments given to us from special friends. My daughter says I can't have a tree without all the ornaments she and her brother have made through the years. I think I can. We'll see.

6. Speaking of ornaments, our children have many ornaments they have received through the years. Now, since Peter has moved out, really, his bed is gone, I think I should give him his ornaments for his own tree. Except, what are the chances of two 23 year old guys who are chefs (read - very busy this time of year) will put up a tree. So, do they go up on my tree, if I have one?

7. How is your Advent going? I am plodding along, pondering my life's purpose, reading scripture, praying the Liturgy of the Hours.

If you found my 7 quick takes fun reading, or even if you didn't go on over Conversion Diary for more!

Advent, Day 5

Advent has a vocabulary all its own. For me, I like hope, anticipation and Incarnation. We wait in hope, anticpating the Word becoming flesh, which is the Incarnation.

(Please excuse the brevity, I used all my words up to finish my paper, all 36 pages of it.)

Big Tent Revival - Two Sets of Jones'

Goes along with today's Gospel reading. What is your house built on, sand or rock?

Advent, Day 4

Today's Gospel reading is so beautiful, from Matthew 15:29-37

"At that time:Jesus walked by the Sea of Galilee,went up on the mountain, and sat down there. Great crowds came to him,having with them the lame, the blind, the deformed, the mute,and many others. They placed them at his feet, and he cured them. The crowds were amazed when they saw the mute speaking,the deformed made whole, the lame walking, and the blind able to see,and they glorified the God of Israel.
Jesus summoned his disciples and said,“My heart is moved with pity for the crowd,for they have been with me now for three days and have nothing to eat. I do not want to send them away hungry,for fear they may collapse on the way.” The disciples said to him,“Where could we ever get enough bread in this deserted place to satisfy such a crowd?” Jesus said to them, “How many loaves do you have?” “Seven,” they replied, “and a few fish.” He ordered the crowd to sit down on the ground. Then he took the seven loaves and the fish,gave thanks, broke the loaves,and gave them to the disciples, who in turn gave them to the crowds. They all ate and were satisfied. They picked up the fragments left over–seven baskets full"

This reading points to how much Jesus cares for us and our needs. Physical and spiritual needs. I have heard far too often people "explaining" that what really happened was that people shared their food. How bogus! And contrary to what we believe. This passage prefigures the Eucharist, it is not about people sharing. If you are going to talk about sharing, it is Jesus who does it by sharing his life with us and leaving the Eucharist for us that we might grow in holiness and be more like him. Just as the people in the Gospel were satisfied, so are we when we receive the precious Body and Blood of Our Lord.

Rebecca St. James - O' Come Emmanuel - TBN 12-31-2002

One of my favorite birthdays was seeing her in concert just before Christmas.

Angels We Have Heard On High

Plans

Have you ever noticed that people rarely talk about death? Today I spent time with my friend who has cancer and she talked about death, hers. Her cancer was caught late, and so her prognosis is not the best. And of course, we pray for a miracle daily.
This is her second round of cancer and chemo treatments. The only positive this time is her hair is still in place.
She said she no longer thinks about things most women our age do, like seeing her kids graduate high school and go off to college, grandchildren, retirement, or growing old. Instead, she's decided that if this cancer comes back anytime soon, she and her husband will get a nanny so she can train her to raise the kids and take care of the house like she would. I don't want my friend to die until we've danced at all our children's weddings, held our grandchildren, and watched our husbands go bald or gray. But there is a reality and her reality is that she may not live to 45, let alone 50. So all of that may not happen or it may. We don't know. And so, we keep hoping and praying. And even if she doesn't want to dream about the future, I will do it for us both.

Advent, Day 3

"Do not harden your hearts as at Meribah, as on the day of Massah in the desert. There your ancestors tested me; they tried me though they had seen my works." Psalm 95:8-9


"You will see his glory within you; the Lord will dawn on you in radiant beauty."
Liturgy of the Hours


I woke up after a restful night's sleep with thoughts of work flying all around my brain. And I am on vacation, which means I should not be thinking about work, but about my own personal business. Which, by the way, there is plenty of to think about. So, I make a cup of tea and sit to pray and am hit by the above. I am hardening my heart in regard to seeing his glory within me. I know it in my head, I tell others all the time, but I live in the place that says, "I am not worthy." So, just in case it's true, I harden my heart against God and of course prove myself correct that there is no glory within me. There cannot be glory unless I open myself up to him who can do all things.
I am spending time in prayer to discern what I am to do, what is my vocation, my next step on the journey. I am also writing my final course paper which requires me to look back to where I began, see the present and also look forward to where I am going. I am currently in the present part of the paper. It is amazing to realize how much we are influenced by our past and by our thoughts of possibilities in our future.
It is actually helpful to be doing this now, as I think it is assisting in my discernment.