A Time...

"There is an appointed time for everything,and a time for every thing under the heavens.A time to be born, and a time to die;a time to plant, and a time to uproot the plant.A time to kill, and a time to heal;a time to tear down, and a time to build.A time to weep, and a time to laugh;a time to mourn, and a time to dance.A time to scatter stones, and a time to gather them;a time to embrace, and a time to be far from embraces.A time to seek, and a time to lose;a time to keep, and a time to cast away.A time to rend, and a time to sew;a time to be silent, and a time to speak.A time to love, and a time to hate;a time of war, and a time of peace." Ecc 3:1-8

As I read these words I see there is no time to sleep. Okay, sarcasm is in poor taste when reading scripture. It's the lack of sleep talking.

I can't sleep because I seem to be in a not so nice time and wondering how long I will be in this time of weeping, losing, rending, and being silent? I want to heal, laugh, dance, seek, love and have peace.

One of my beliefs in life is that you are not done until you are dead. And if you are alive and think you are done, you are not growing. Well, I'm tired of growing. I remember a saying from high school, "God isn't finished with me yet." And I remember thinking that meant that at some point in my life, when I was a grown up, God would be done and the angst of life would be less and there would be joy and peace, not sadness and confusion. So, why is there still sadness and confusion?

I certainly try to live according to God's will. I pray for wisdom and a change of heart; to accept the bad with the good; to learn to submit to His will. Usually that works, but not always. Right now is a "not always" time. I had dreams that I have had to give up, like many of us, I am sure. But I can't seem to replace those dreams with now ones that stay viable for very long. Somewhere in scripture, it says that without vision people perish. That is precisely how I feel, I am perishing because of a lack of visions or dreams.

When I went on my retreat this summer I started to break free of this lack, but now I am slowly going backwards, actually not slowly, I am back there. Yesterday I went to adoration and was alone with Jesus. At night I lay in bed and pray for a release of this torment and that I wake up with wisdom on how to change. But nothing seems to be working.

Lord, when will this time change?