This weekend, my worlds collided and it left me an emotional rag, all wrung out and in need of grace. We had a men's Cursillo retreat and John was on the team and I helped out, mainly in the kitchen and praying in the chapel. What collided were my past and present worlds and I have no idea what is next. In the life night, there is a skit, based on the very old chocolate bar and peanut butter commercial bumping into each other and making a peanut butter cup.
My anger is directed not only at the people who abused their power, but also at people who called me a friend and then kept things from me, harming not only me but other people as well. I am also angry with myself, wondering how much i just refused to see or if I could have handled things differently and somehow prevented certain outcomes.
This weekend brought people together, in the presence of the Blessed Sacrament, to pray for others. I was so humbled when I saw this the tears began and I could not stop. (Aside, there were NO tissues, in a chapel during a retreat, did I mention it was a men's weekend, yea, really) I spent all night controlling myself. I had to, it was not my weekend, I was there to serve, not heal. The outpouring of grace was for others, not me. So I kept at my tasks and eventually went home. I spent Sunday helping, praying and taking care of non retreat stuff. Today I am still trying to process my feelings, especially my anger.
I keep praying and asking God to take it from me, by his grace I have more peace today then the last few weeks, but still fear is present as I work through some hurt and pain.
At the end of the day, the worlds that collided still brought all of us to the same place we began, worshiping together and journeying together in our faith. If anyone can take all this mess and make it while again, it is Christ - I'm counting on him!