By the numbers

It's been 43 days since I posted.  It has been 36 days since life changed in a slightly big way. It all began with a toe.  It is still not over.  So what happened?  Well, it began with my husband and a visit to the podiatrist and ended with 1 surgery, 4 procedures, 4 pins, 2 stents, 1 balloon, 1 PICC line after 12 days in the hospital.  Hospital time is not like real time, it passes much more slowly but I seemed to age much more quickly.  It was like we were always hurrying to wait.
Leaving a hospital is an exercise in extreme patience.  But we left and brought home about half a ream of paper worth of instructions and drug interaction information and prescriptions and wound care and people to call and doctor appointments to make.  It took me days to read it all; thankfully I didn't make any mistakes that caused a problem.  If you read that previous sentence carefully it tells you I made mistakes.  However, the toe is still attached, and all his other numbers are good, so I cut myself some slack.
Now he is healing.  Lucky man gets to spend 2 hours a day in a hyperbaric chamber breathing pure oxygen. His comment after the first treatment, "It's not the spa treatment I was led to believe it would be."  I guess maybe not so lucky. He's done 8 so far, 12 more to go (as of now).  I do think the wrinkles on his face are less pronounced since he's been going in there.  Oh wait, it's for his toe!  Doctor says that's healing quite well.  So the wrinkles are a bonus.   He also has an IV antibiotic almost all day, every day. And I get to change the dressing on his toe every other day.
It has not been easy but as the course of events unfolded in the hospital we realized how God was watching out for John and making sure he had excellent doctors.  When you go from no M.D. to 6 it can be overwhelming yet each one was exactly what he needed.
We are learning patience, being reminded constantly about the power of prayer, and grateful for that big toe's problems.  If not for that toe...well, let's not go there.
Life is different now.  Some things will go back to what they were once John's toe is healed.  He'll go back to work, I'll move back to my side of our bed.  Other things will not, like the foods we eat and the lack of snoring; I really, really hope the snoring stays away.
The other day was one month from the start of this journey.  It has been difficult, frightening, and stressful.  It has been full of grace, joy, and blessings.  It has been life!  And praise God, it's not over.

Don't Ask Why

A few years ago I learned to stop asking “why” about suffering.  A Jesuit priest said simply, “It is part of the human condition.”  When he said that, it was not a revelation to me, but rather an awakening or acceptance of that truth.  I am thinking about that truth again as I watch friends suffer with serious illnesses.


All of them are young, under fifty. Two have cancer and one has a host of chronic illnesses that defy treatment and dumbfound doctors.
This week my friend with chronic illnesses had to be admitted to the hospital with mild pneumonia.  We had a long visit with tears and laughter.  What struck me is how she told me how many people have a standard for her feelings and do not want to hear about feelings which they do not think she should express.
Right now she is angry and very tired.  For the last year she has spent most of her time in hospitals and in bed.  She is suffering and trying so very hard to make the best of it, be positive, and figure out what God wants her to learn from all of this.  She stays close to Mary in prayer and draws comfort from her.  She has a Mary statue that lights up by her bedside, even in the hospital.
While I don’t ask “why,” I do ask God how I can help ease her burdens.  I provide comic relief, a shoulder to cry on, and a glimpse into my “normal” life.  It is not always easy or convenient to be with my friend, but it is always important.
In my humanness I want to turn away and avoid the pain.  Her suffering reminds me to be grateful.  When a person says, “All I want to do is go to the grocery store and cook dinner for my family”, I am reminded to be thankful for ability to tackle the long to-do list.  My complaining over my life pales in the face of her true suffering.
Suffering often makes us uncomfortable.  We want a quick fix, a pat comment, and we want to move on to the next thing.  Sadly, suffering cannot be fixed with Band-Aids.  It requires our presence.
Walking with someone in their suffering helps us to be become better people if we let them lead us.  It requires patience and the putting aside of self to be present to those in need.
Maybe the test of a Christian is not to ask “Why” in the face of suffering, but “How can I help?”

God's Will?

The last two days have been filled with news of dying. One is a young woman, 22 years old, lying brain dead in a hospital after an accident.  She is a friend of my daughter's and at any time they will decide to remove her respirator.  At Mass this morning I was praying for her and her sister and friends who are trying to make some sense of htis tragedy and support each other.  And of course, I kept asking "why does God allow this to happen?" 
And clear as a person's voice I heard, "He doesn't allow it, but is there with us and helps us heal."  As Mass began, I heard the Gospel, which is Jesus teaching the apostles to pray the "Our Father."  As I listened to the words, I realized that God is very near to us always and ready to give us what we need.  Suffering in this world occurs not because God allows it but rather, it is a part of the human condition.  We gain nothing by asking "why" but so much when we ask God to be with us and help us reach out to those in need.
I am not going to list the suffering I have witnessed this week, there is enough, I'm sure,  in your life and the world. 
God's will is not that we suffer or watch those we love suffer.  His will is to reach out, draw us close, and comfort us.  Sometimes he uses us to help those who are suffering; other times those who are suffering help us.  I am slowly learning to not ask "why" about suffering, but to pray and seek God's will for me in the suffering.