Monday, July 9, 2012

Understanding, Surrender

Each time I attend Mass I pray the "Dedication to Jesus" prayer from St. Ignatius of Loyola.  It is just to the left of this post.
Last week on July 4 I prayed it again as usual at communion time.  All of a sudden I was knocked over with the realization that what I have been asking God to do, he has done.  At least part of it has happened.  I no longer have any understanding.  I actually say "I don't understand" that so frequently in regard to life right now that I have begun to annoy myself.   I have running list of things I do not understand, many of them in regard to life situations that are difficult right now.  These situations involve both my own family and people I love.  I often feel so powerless to help, only able to say, "I will pray for you" because often there is nothing I can do change the problem or even make it easier.
The other part of the prayer which struck me is "I surrender it all to be guided by your will."  I have yet to surrender.  I do not know if I am able to surrender.  If I am not in control, that world may stop spinning correctly.  How does one surrender?  In my soul, I know I must surrender it all so that I can move forward. But still I sit, waiting to surrender.
Part of it is the realization that surrendering is a choice and to say yes to surrender I must say no to other things.  Those other things give me immediate comfort and so it is hard to say no.  My logical brain knows that over time it will get easier and become natural but the first step is always the hardest.  And frankly, I feel stuck in cement.

No comments: